From a Mama who's been there...

Hey Mama,

I sincerely hope you are surrounded by love and helpful support, and that your postpartum period is filled with peace, joy, and only a few tears. Unfortunately, I know not every mama's is. This is a letter to the moms that feel so alone - like I did.

I always wanted to be a mom, and I was so filled with joy when my little guy came. While I revelled in my baby, I felt intensely alone. All around me it seemed like there were new moms with awesome support systems and people to turn to for advice, support, or comfort. I watched moms have friends that celebrated their baby, and family that showed up to help...but I didn't have that.

I did have a wonderful husband, whom I'm eternally grateful for; who really tried his best to empathize with and support me. But he didn't have any more birthing or childrearing experience than I did, and he definitely didn't understand breastfeeding or the wild hormone ride that is postpartum. Hell, I didn't understand it half the time.

What I was missing was other women.

Women who helped normalize the overwhelming loss of self that first year, and encouraged me to hold on and find myself again. Who shared vulnerably with me about their struggles, and their pain in order to challenge the glossy, perfect version of Motherhood we are sold. Who helped me realize there is no right choice in parenting, only what is right for our family at this moment. Who taught me that Mothers do not base their worth or judge their skills around the mothering they do on their worst days - but they learn from them. And who returned all the love, compassion, and care I had for them.

These women became my village. They became my child's Aunts, celebrated my milestones, and held space for me during my tribulations. They remind me often that I'm human and mistakes happen, but that they love me anyway. They've got me. And I've got them.

My son is six years old, almost seven at this point, and my village has shown up for me countless times the last few years. Creating my village, for me, was as much about healing myself as it was about connecting with others.

When my son was born, I didn't think I deserved love, support, and care so I did nothing to seek it out or foster it. I didn't ask for help, and I didnt take what little help was offered. I felt like accepting help was admitting I couldn't do it alone and that was failure.

Can I let you in on a little secret, Mama? None of us can do it alone, and WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO! Furthermore, we are all worthy of love, support, and acceptance and those things make us better when we embrace them, not weaker. The real failure is the pressure society puts on us all to be hyper-independent at all costs, even if the price is our mental health.

In order to find my village I had to allow myself enough vulnerability to let people in. It was a slow process, but being vulnerable enough to speak my shame aloud led me to my people - and dispelled the shame. Brené Brown writes in "Daring Greatly", "If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive." In the absence of shame, all I've found is compassion and love for myself, and other moms who struggle with similar feelings of inadequacy and shame.

Moming is hard, and the stakes are high. None of us feel like we're doing great at it all the time, and there's no foreseeable bar for success. The more vulnerable, real, and compassionate we can be with each other, especially when we can't access those things for ourselves, the better off we all are.

That's why seeking like-minded moms and trying out various groups is so important. It can be scary to meet new people, even more so when your sense of identity has been rocked, and a lot of new moms have been isolated for months with their newborns. Getting out to groups where you'll meet other moms is invaluable and I urge you to challenge your anxiety and keep doing it. Even if the first group you try isn't a perfect fit for you, try other ones. Moms need other moms to be more than fine! I promise you, you won't be the only one walking in as a ball of anxiety and admitting you are feeling anxious can both take the power away and offer an opening for someone else to be brave and relate.

If you're feeling alone, reach out in mom groups and go to playgroups if you're able. There is someone who will reach back, even if you haven't met them yet.

Signed with much love from,
A momma who's been there

💜SS