I loved her right away, but I didn't know her...

I loved her right away, but I didn’t know her.

Immediately I knew I had been blessed with the greatest responsibility I would ever have and that I would do anything for her to be safe, but she was so completely new to me. Did she know I was her mom? Did SHE love ME? Am I messing anything up already? How could I possibly be the right one to care for something this precious? Truthfully I didn’t feel as if we knew each other well until a few months in. It was both slow and sudden when I realized how much I loved her and felt that deep connection. I wasn’t alone now; I was with her.

But before then, the nights were the hardest for me. Every day my stomach would start to churn with nerves as the sun started fading, knowing the night was looming ahead but not knowing what it would hold. I was so anxiety ridden about her sleeping safely that even when her eyes closed, mine did not. I couldn’t sleep while she was awake, and I couldn’t sleep while she was asleep. It felt as if I was the only person in the world, a loneliness I have never felt before. And the thing is, I had people I could reach out to. Wonderful, amazing family and friends who had offered time and time again to be there for me. But the loneliness was almost paralyzing; it felt like no one would understand THIS feeling.

On top of no sleep, hormones desperately trying to balance themselves, and healing physically, my blood pressure had started to rise. This of course added another layer of stress. And what can cause high blood pressure? Yeah, stress! So don’t stress about being stressed so your stress doesn’t cause more stress, okay?

Through it all I was lucky enough to still be in a place where I knew it would all get better and easier. Now I can’t tell you how many times a day I just look at her and feel so grateful, like I can’t believe I get to spend all this time with her. I never felt not grateful or happy about her, I was just constantly trying to swim to the surface of an ocean of anxiety, making it hard for me to fully be present or feel like I was doing anything good enough.

There’s just no getting around it: it’s hard. There’s no practice for when your life changes in an instant. Just know from one mom to another, you are never actually alone. Every mom is a friend and an ally, and you will come out on the other side with the most beautiful gift and the best little friend you could ever imagine.